Indecision

So, I've had trouble all my life making decisions.  When I go to the store, it takes me minutes to pick out a simple item like toothpaste.  We don't have a goto brand, so I pick something based on price and packaging.  But I have trouble deciding between the one that restores enamel, or the toothpaste that whitens, or the one that prevents gingivitis, or maybe the toothpaste that does it all but is more expensive.  Oftentimes, my husband will leave me to choose an item, and when he comes back I'm still in the same aisle trying to decide.

When it comes to purchasing a high price item, it takes me hours of internet research.  I will read reviews on similar sites, consumer sites.  Once I narrow it down, finding the right store to purchase from takes another day or two.  Often, there will be one aspect that I overlooked, and when I do finally buy the object of my choice, I realize that it is lacking in some way.  Sometimes, I buy defective products, that have to be returned or exchanged.  I don't feel that there is a necessary pattern to this - I don't go to sketchy bargain basements for higher priced items.

I learned this behavior from my dad.  If my dad were interested in purchasing a new car, he would research it at least a year ahead of time.  He would go to every dealership in a 200 mile radius scoping out the options and the prices, quizzing the salespeople, trying to haggle.  This would be frustrating, because he might spend hours looking at a car, talking to the salesperson, discussing financing and other logistics that probably lead the person to believe they were going to make a sale.  Then my dad would say something deflating, like, I can get this cheaper at the other dealership, and they are more knowledgeable about the specifications.

SPECIFICATIONS.  This is one of my dad's favorite words.  Do you have the specifications?  Do you know the specifications?  What are the specifications.  I need the specifications before I can decide.  Why don't you know the specifications.

What are specifications?  Really, they seem like a set of descriptions and numbers designed to help the consumer procrastinate.  I mean honestly, if my father had been researching something, like a car for months on end, then he would  know the specifications.  My dad can't purchase something from someone he doesn't view as knowledgeable and intelligent.

Indecision can be a killer.  Indecision can ruin a life, lose a job, lose a raise, lose a bargain, lose a lot of things.

One of the "by products" of my indecision is that I'm a gambler.  Not belly up to the blackjack table kind of gambler.  But, sometimes when I can't make a decision, I wildly make a choice.  I'm not an adept gambler, and sometimes I lose, sometimes I win.  It's liberating when this happens, because I relinquish responsibility of making the decision.  And if there are negative repercussions, at least I didn't waste a bunch of time making the wrong decision.

I figure, the indecision goes along with the quest for perfection.  Because, people with BPD may have an obsession with perfecting things.  So, if one were to say, agonize over which towel racks to buy for their new home, and then take home the "wrong" ones, well, then it would ruin that image of perfection.

Right now, I'm facing a few major decisions that affect not only myself, but those I'm closest to as well.  The weight of those decisions crushes on my chest, my head, my brain, and my spine.  Sometimes I can feel them like a physical weight.  It's like depression, I guess.  I feel paralyzed to make a move, and things that normally I would do to relieve stress or lighten my mood, or feed my soul feel are just artificial and unfulfilling.  I barely have health insurance, and it doesn't cover psychiatric therapy anyway.  After all this time feeling like I could deal with my life without professional help, I crave therapy, but I can't afford it.  So, I write this blog instead, even though I don't think anyone is reading it.