When my mom ended up in the hospital due to a stroke, my sisters and I went home to see her. But we really spent more time with my dad, who I recently have found to have symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder through internet research. My parents had been building a house, and my dad needed to hurry up and get it done, supposedly so we could stay there. So, during the day, when the doctors were checking in and my mom was having visitors, we were out running errands with my dad. Errands like looking at hood systems and towel racks at every Home Depot and Lowe's in the area. The house should have been done before then, but because of indecision on my dad's part, progress was stunted.
None of the three of us - my sisters and I - never had a great rapport with my dad, so we would go on errands with him together or take turns. It was maddening though, watching him look at towel rack after towel rack. I didn't know exactly what he was looking for, but he could never find the right style, color, length or price. If it were me, I would have found several that I could have lived with - it's just something to hang a wet towel on!
So, by the time we were able to go visit my mom, in the afternoon or evening, right before the evening shift change, she would be tired and non-responsive. My sister really took it personally. I can't say if my mom really was tired, and/or didn't want to see us, but she had probably been missing us all day. And I don't know how congnisant she was, but she probably sensed that he was dragging us around the city all day. I do know, that in the earlier days, when she was hooked up machines, her blood pressure always went up when my dad would start talking loud, especially about "his side of the story". I must have heard him tell it at least ten times, the whole month that I was in Florida. And it was rehearsed, always the same. It was his way, I think, of kind of voicing his guilt, yet absolving himself of blame for my mom's stroke. Because honestly, if they had not been rebuilding this house, would she have had this stroke? Most likely not.
But, I do know, that my mom was tired of taking care of my dad. Really, catering to his needs and wants can be a full time job. Nothing is ever right, no one ever carries out a task the way intended, no one can communicate but him, no one can reason but him, everyone is out to rip him off and why does everyone get mad at him? My dad would get all worked up about one transgression or another, that maybe my sister made, or me, or a bank customer service personnel. Then my dad would utter horrible ugly insults - idiot, stupid, doesn't know what she's talking about, she's just talking to hear herself talk, you destroyed it, didn't you ask this question, you didn't do what I told you to do, you just ignore what I tell you....and then, when we would finally get fed up and yell at him back, he would say, "Oh, why do you get angry with me? Why are you yelling?" Does this sound familiar to anyone?
My mom was very religious all her life. I mean, her first calling was to be a nun! Instead, she ended up taking care of a BPD (unbeknownst to anyone that it was BPD) hard of hearing man(who never bothered to learn sign language because that would mean he was deaf) and having three children with him. My mom always had an ultimatum. My dad had a cochlear implant operation, and my mom had hoped it would improve his disposition. She had told me that if he didn't change after the operation, that she would "separate."
She used that word a lot, "separate", the way others use the words; vacation, Hawaii, spa, massage, beer, viacodin. The golden answer to everything. As they were in the process of building the house, my mom would talk on the phone about my dad's temper, and memory loss. She would say, if he doesn't change, once the house is built, I will give him the house, and we will "separate." And so she did. My mom passed away the day the house was ready to inhabit. It seemed fitting, like she knew what she was doing - separating. Now, my aging dad lives in the house by himself. My mom's friend had made a promise to her that she would help my dad, which she does. But it seems to be getting time that he will require more help. Of course, he doesn't want to pay for help, and he doesn't trust anyone, including my sisters and I. Everyone has their own agenda, which always includes trying to take his money.
I know that I have to face these issues, and having a better understanding of what makes him behave the way he does will hopefully aid me. I know that there is a lot of work to do, and I may never be able to have a "normal" relationship with my father, but knowing that he most likely has BPD makes it a little easier to deal with.
No comments:
Post a Comment